after a long 10 hours of hard labor -- bottling wine that i can't even drink -- all i want to do is see my boyfriend.

unfortunately i'm sore, tired, hungry, and can't keep my head on my shoulders for much longer, so i took a nap only to be abruptly pulled from it to the sound of the worst show ever made.

i slammed the door too tired to yell or think of a better way to communicate my feelings to the world below.

less than three minutes later, boyfriend enters the room.

'is there something wrong?' is probably the worst line to start a conversation with a woman. not only does it spark all of the horrible things that have recently happened (big and small) but it leaves a lot of room for 'yeah you's or 'everything's.

for future reference: i have had a really bad day

i ignore this fault in dialogue because right now all i want to do is SLEEP -- then this one-sided conversation progresses to 'you shouldn't have done that'. now i admit, i went for the easy (non-verbal) way out which is refusing to use my voice to communicate my feelings. okay. however, i didn't want to argue the fact (note: FACT) that it was loud and i wanted it to stop.

OBVIOUSLY it was loud enough to wake me up. isn't that enough?

so when boyfriend wishes to argue that he didn't think it was loud enough -- i flipped. i really just wanted to sleep. how much am i asking for?

10 hours of back-breaking labor and i just want to sleep.

oh well, i guess i'm wrong and he's right but i'm tired of the arguments and the excuses. and right now, i just want to sleep!

i had been sleeping (going to bed early remedied my headache) but got up to the sound of him shouting downstairs at someone four-legged doing something bad.

i went to the bathroom twice -- i really shouldn't drink so much before going to bed... not because i was spying but because i think i may have a bladder problem. but i went to bed with him and realized i couldn't close my eyes.

he's probably annoyed by my existence - and probably avoiding going to bed until he's really exhausted on purpose. i know how that is - to sleep without needing or wanting to think. perhaps we think alike, at least sometimes.

sleeping is a hard task when you don't really know who you're sleeping beside. being together for three years has made life a lot harder. i kept thinking 'i don't know what i'm doing here, how was your day?' then feeling embarrassed because i never did ask how his day was or was ever interested until that moment - being to late to really strike up a conversation or anything.

it's difficult to wrap my head around the fact that i'll probably never really be happy for as long as i live. which is funny because all he really wants is for me to be happy. he loves me in his own way but it just isn't enough for me. i don't really understand it, i'm here because i try to grasp at that love and take it and be happy and return it (huge run-on sentence BTW) but it's more like 'do you love me like i want/need to be loved?' i just don't know if he has the capacity. he pretty much told me that he didn't the night before. why can't i just accept that it won't work out? that i won't be happy? that i'm just hurting the both of us?

ah, i know -- it's because when i leave i won't feel satisfied with myself. i'll always be cursing myself because i know he loves me, i just can't accept it for some reason.

i was definitely hungry when i went to bed last night. i dreamt of the best foods all spread out on this huge banquet table.

then i dreamt about going to a mall somewhere and there were these men who were fighting over me (in a way) the two mysterious men each gave me a diamond necklace.

lastly, i was in a shower with those slidey doors, and it was closed but cats kept jumping in from the top until i drowned in... cats?

oh well. just some weird dream?

worthless this year, i bought chocolates and a stuffed animal and that's enough from me.

perhaps something died in me in the past year because i see last year's post and i was so excited for valentines day. no romance this year. valentines day is useless for people like me.

i was thinking (while further exhausting myself by stacking logs to a height and width at least a couple of inches taller than myself) that i've pretty much given up on my life as it is. i realize that what i'm doing now is desperately trying to restart -- start new, so to speak.

while attempting a new beginning -- i'm just living my life through the people around me. maybe i just want people to remember me in a positive way or i'm trying to prove to myself that it's not so bad but let's face it; my family thinks i'm crazy (they're probably right), i live in a house filled with boys (most being four-legged), and i'm living with a boyfriend that doesn't talk to me... i'm insane but i'm trying to patch things up so that i can leave knowing i did my best with what i have.

after attempting to talk with my boyfriend i figured out that if i left -- he wouldn't be all that miffed about it. he'd just move on. i could just say 'you're not what i'm looking for' and he would still exist in mind and spirit. oh well. i tried and i didn't succeed. he thinks i want to change him, he thinks i want him to be some weird perfect guy i don't know -- so maybe i'm just not looking at him anymore. maybe i'm dreaming of some other person who he isn't and can never be for me. oh well. i fudged it up. i've just got to move on.

once i finish what i need to do, i'll just go. and we'll both move on. that's it.

My 'friends' have stopped posting sometime around 2006.

Did I stop writing first?

I've never been good at keeping up with people...

Am I happy?

Yes and no.

He didn't leave for the military. Perhaps I persuaded him enough. No, I'm not sexy -- but I must've done something right?

He's here. I'm happy...And not.

You know -- you really don't know how screwed you are until you decide to move in with the person you "love"... I gave up a lot to be with my love and I am starting to regret all of my decisions beginning with sticking up for him when my parents were talking down about him to me.

Sorry.

I guess I really didn't know what I was getting into...

A house, a ridiculously obnoxious roommate, a hamster, two cats, and a puppy later (ETC) --- I regret standing up for him.

I wish I wasn't so stubborn because then I'd apologize to my parents. Maybe they would understand and they'd take me back (figuratively speaking) ...

I'm a fool.

They were right again.

I started this live journal about a year ++ ago. I now continue it.

B is going into the military. I am sad. I'll be homey, all aloney...riding a poney--not.

I've started to work on V-day cards, and I washed all of my clothing--yes, all these events must signify the end of the world...ha ha ha. WELL, it's definetly different weather than my norm, I took a nice rosy posy bath and drank some chamomile tea. I finished the 3rd book of the 'traveling pants' which BTW, I read because here in nowheresville, there aren't graphic novels or ppl I know that enjoys the good manga (i.e. the ones that I like) it's a shame really. I think this summer, I might buy some and share them with M. Or H. That would be cool.

Gotta go, J.